Swinging Anyone?

Interesting evening. Did one of those facilitating introductions with several clients over drinks. Former pro NFL player (totally dreamy!) + his biz partner, two financial whizzes for 'high-wealth individuals' (means people that have more money than they know what to do with) and myself. After the football jock & his parter left, the other guys & I were hanging out...

The conversation got quite colorful... They were discussing a swingers club in town. I'm certainly not shy about those things - but felt like it was better that I not chime in. (Never been the swingy type.) Decided that although I had mentioned some 'shag me shoes' (one of the guys is Australian & didn't know what "Fuck Me Pumps" were). They seemed to like my shoes...

Hot Stud was supposed to be there, but he bailed. I was grateful because I can only IMAGINE how the conversation would have gone. He gets a little, hell, a lot, too graphic with people that are not particularly kink-aware. (For these guys, visiting a swinger's club on Halloween was wild...)

Fun evening but odd. Seemed like there was flirtation. But sometimes I'm a little clueless. I never assume.

Addendum

For YEARS, I have had a particularly annoying bitter individual leave snarky comments from time to time. This individual always posts anonymously - which further shows what a completely pathetic person they are. (Those that have to feign courage to say this behind a curtain always screams total cowardice.)

I've had a policy of not deleting comments, but today, I went ahead and removed some drivel. It's really sad that someone has this fascination with checking my blog constantly (IP addresses timestamped) to have the opportunity to make yet another bane comment.

See, the thing is - my blog is not required reading. It's a free world. I don't write this for ANYONE but myself. I vent. I struggle. But the thing is - I'm honest. (Something you are unable to comprehend.)

Only a very empty pathetic person with momentous self-esteem issues would continue to make incorrect, inappropriate, and uninformed statements for this long. Does it somehow make you feel better. Really? Do you have utterly NOTHING better to do than to stalk my blog? It screams how 'mature' you are. (Reminds me of a 12 year old.) Do you think "Oh wow, this comment is really going to provide some profound insight?" Or maybe "This will make her feel bad."

See, the joke is actually on you. Reminds me no matter how crappy a day may be, at least I'm not you.

Have a nice day!

(BTW IP targeting provides some pretty cool information - I know your address.)

Taste Test

A rather incestuous client lunch earlier in the week. It was a couple of men from a new sports-related account I am working with, an entertainment lawyer, a sports agent, and Hot Stud.

I haven't seen H.S. since my bday. We were both at another one of my client's Halloween party a few weeks ago. (Why the hell have I not gotten a corset before? LOOOVE it! Definitely enhanced my curves in a good way.) I didn't see him there. The place was packed. He texted me well after midnight telling me where he was for me to find him. (I actually wasn't interested.) When I talked to the host/my client later, he made a comment about how inappropriate Hot Stud's 'costume' was. (I didn't ask.)

It's funny how that moment when he shared with me about his child absolutely ended any sort of feelings I had ever had for him. Over the lunch, I was all business. I felt nada. (I didn't even think about it until a friend & I were chatting about how cool this new account is going to be... mentioned Hot Stud could benefit from this.)

He still has a key to my home. I feel it's a good time to change the locks. I don't think he would ever violate my space. But, I also trusted him when he said he wasn't having unprotected sex with anyone else. Repeatedly. Clearly, I didn't know him as well as I thought I did... Lesson learned. Grateful for the support he offered during my darkest times. I'm going to remember the good things and not let the other stuff dictate things.

In another direction, despite encouragement from many of the Domly types in my life, I just don't feel natural in a Dominant role when it comes to relationships. After years of being told repeatedly, I was just a confused Switch or Domme, I tried. I met with 4 men - the role felt completely unnatural. It never went beyond meeting and some making out with one. Several wanted to buy me rather expensive gifts - I declined. I was upfront with them that I didn't consider myself a Domme - that I was exploring the other side of the fence. I had a feeling I could absolutely do it in a non-emotional way, but it was just not for me. I gave it a genuine spin. It was illuminating to see it from 'the other' perspective.

I found it was still me yearning deep in my heart to be Dominated. (sigh)

May We Please Have a Case?

I decided to switch to a new gyn - previous one I loved but had nightmares with getting trying to resolve incorrect billing issue related to my Xmas surgery. I've known this new gyn for a while - a friend used to work for him, so I decided to give him a spin.

Saw him a few months ago - for just blood work. (Needed to check hormone levels after the hysterectomy... Ovaries intact and all is well there.) So was back to see him to review numbers and have my annual exam. (aka "Stirrup Time") Appointment time was 4pm. Of course, I didn't see him until almost 5pm. Traditionally, we sit in his office and chat for a while. He was asking general questions... He asked about my libido. I said that was not a problem. Asked if I was having regular sex. I chuckled. I asked if "regular sex" necessitated another person. He looked at me rather perplexed. I said I have had a very satisfying relationship with my vibrator for quite some time. He asked the last time I had had 'relations' with another man.

I said "Over a year."

He said "a woman?"

I said "Nope."

He said that libido problems were nothing to be ashamed of. I told him again, it wasn't libido. I just haven't encountered anyone that I felt was worth it.

He told me I needed to get out there more and (get this) my doctor told me I needed to get laid! He meant it in a kidding way. Told him I meet plenty of men, just none really seem to get past the 2nd or 3rd date.

He said "You're very efficient at weeding them out." (That's one way to look at it.)

Topic of my piercing came up. He was fascinated - he still hasn't seen it. He wanted to know if it really 'helped'. Told him it was awesome. Asked if it would enhance it for 'my partner' - told him this was 'all about me'.

Turns out, his nurse had left for the day. I didn't even get my exam! We talked for quite some time about marketing though. He may become my client. I'm not quite sure how I feel about it. A client that has seen my twat - hiring me to manage his marketing?

I don't really miss sex. Well, yeah, I miss it. I know I could call a number of guys and that statistic would be a moot point in a matter of a few hours. I miss the connection, the intimacy, the hunger for more. But I made a decision - I want more and I am willing to wait. I have my toys, occasional porn, and plenty of imagination for now. I do kinda feel sorry for the poor guy that pops my cherry next time - he's gonna need a case of Viagra.

Enjoying Options

I have a client that is rather wealthy - he has lavish parties and private concerts. Really nice guy. He invited me to his annual Halloween party, as well as a guy that I refer a lot of business to, and Hot Stud (who I also referred him to.)

I've seen pictures of last year's party - so I knew that I had to 'bring it' when it comes to the costumes. I have a pet peeve when it comes to women and Halloween costumes - it's an excuse to dress ridiculously slutty. Seems so contrived and desperate.

Sexy and slutty are not the same.

I have been searching for weeks for a costume. I thought I'd go as a geisha but the invite alluded to costumes with a gothic theme. I went to a costume rental place - most of the costumes were too long or too slutty and most smelled gross. Looked at the costumes for purchase - all really cheap.

Then I found an amazing site - 'created' my own costume. A beautiful silk brocade corset, a short black crinoline petticoat, black thigh highs with bows in front, and a gorgeous black velvet full-length cape with red on the inside. Opera gloves, amazing mask and ruby red lipstick.

I put it on and wondered why the hell I've waited so long for my first corset. I needed to have a costume that eluded confidence. And I totally felt like 'the bomb' when I put it all together.

I considered my date options. Some hadn't been tested in public - meaning I wasn't going to find out that they had a drinking problem at a professional event, or they aren't the type to embrace the concept. I am going solo. I chuckled because my work friend said he could get me a date. I told him that if I really wanted to have a date to bring along, I would have one.

I'm going to enjoy having options.

Ultimate in Role-Playing

Two new prospects in the picture. Sort of changing things up a bit. For years many of the Dominant men in my life insisted that I was a 'switch' or actually a Dominant woman.

I always said "Pffft!"

But, haven't had much success in the realm of finding the yin to my yang as a submissive. So I decided to try something new. I posted an ad as a Dominant woman. Oh dear lord did the floodgates open. Apparently the "Atlanta market" for an intelligent confident Dominant woman was rather bleak.

Selected a couple of men. Lunch. Drinks (I still won't drink alcohol in that sort of setting.) Apparently, I'm quite good at channeling my 'inner Domme'. However, it feels like a total act to me. Totally artificial. I've been clear with them that I am not experienced in this role, but I've been getting rave reviews. I am not turned on at all by this interaction - although I had one sucking my toes last weekend. I was thinking what he would do for my clit! (Still premature for that sort of interaction.) I did have some kissing with one - ended up straddling him, pinning his arms down - felt like it was what I 'should' do. His response was definitely a kick, but I still wished that I was actually the one on the receiving end...

What I'm finding is these men are not particularly looking to get laid. (Quite a different concept.) I have them buying me gifts (without even suggesting), wanting to take me on trips, do work around my home.

I am learning things from the perspective of a Dominant - the responsibility, the reflection, the attention to detail and the role of care-taker. It's a lot of work. I have one of the men completing a rather detailed questionnaire - I will follow up with a second one that will focus more on longer answers to get into his head even more. We'll open up a dialogue about it. Of course he wanted to know what my kinks were - before he completed his questionnaire - I told him that he'd be learning quite clearly what my desires were.

I still feel like I'm playing a role. Some of the questionnaire involved role-playing - I have always said I found role-playing as stupid. I guess I'm a hypocrite since I am playing the 'ultimate' role. I have been fairly clear with the men that I do not define myself as a Domme and have reiterated that I understand their position quite well.

I will see how it evolves...

Test Run

I decided to give my new piercing a 'test run' and introduce it to my vibrator.
Let's just say that I may never leave the house again.
Ever.

If I had three thumbs, they'd all be up.
Why the hell did I wait this long to do it?
Orgasms are exponentially more amazing!
(And they weren't too bad to begin with.)

Pierced

Back from my working vacation at the beach... It was productive professionally - landed two really nice-sized clients thanks to referrals from existing customers. Otherwise, I laid low - sunned, read, walked on beach, absorbed a lot of sunrises and sunsets. I learned that two weeks of vacation was too much for me - even when I was working daily...

I took the plunge and did something I've wanted to do for... five years. I had held off because I wanted to share the experience with 'someone special'. But if I lived my life waiting for 'someone special', I'd never get anything done.

So I got my piercing. I had called ahead to a tattoo shop near my condo. Went on by and chatted with the piercer. Went into the shop and the owner was an absolute lecherous creep. He was saying how it was going to enhance my pleasure and he wished he could be the first to 'break' me in'. He wanted to see it done and take pictures. I said I was going to pass on the offer. He told me it was nothing to be ashamed of. I told him I wasn't ashamed at all - I just wasn't going to share the experience with a total stranger.

Piercing itself was not a big dig. A pinch nothing more. No additional pain. I was expecting it to hurt more... What was going to be an experience to note a significant relationship, it was more of one of autonomy and independence. It was quite anti-climactic.

I was advised not to have sex for at least two weeks. I laughed. Not an issue. It's almost a year since I've had sex... it's not that I don't want to be having sex - I just want it with someone special. Until then, I will continue my long-term relationship with my vibrator.

The Past is... The PAST (for a reason)

I really should check wtf my horoscope said yesterday. I'm peacefully sunning on the beach when my phone starts going off like crazy.

It's the short-lived crash and burn romance from last summer. He lives about an hour away from where I am right now. He announced a few weeks ago to me that he's 'decided' he's poly. It made me laugh. He told me he loved me within a week of meeting me and was ready to move to Atlanta in two weeks. He can't deal with drama and can't deal with one woman, so now he wants to come up with a prettier term to define he wants to be a man-whore.

Mind you, there's nothing wrong with it.

I told him I was going to be in Orlando to meet with a prospective client, if he'd like to have dinner. Apparently he confused 'dinner' with 'fucking'. The texts suggested we do something more intimate. I told him no-go.

THEN...
I get a text from the bipolar artist that broke my heart 8 years ago and relocated to Ft. Lauderdale to become a tattoo artist. We never had sex - the meds he was on meant there was no action going on downstairs. It was like high school - we'd make out for hours on the sofa and stayed relatively clothed. Still, he's the one that lit the spark in me to explore BDSM. We had dinner last fall, I shared with him of my D/s discovery. Turns out he didn't have a clue what it was.

But apparently, it's fascinated him. He read that I was nearby and texted me yesterday wanting to come visit at the beach. I was okay with that - I have plenty of room. Then he started saying he wanted to 'fist' me and 'make' me 'hurt'.

Um, that's awfully flattering, but you don't know what the fuck you are talking about sweetie. Just because you ink people for a living and trade free tats for sex with 18-20 year old girls, does not mean I'm game to be your guinea pig.

I told him he was welcome to come to the beach, but there was going to be NO exploring. No hook-ups. No play (unless he wanted to start a game of shuffleboard.)

We'll see if he shows. I say unlikely. Or if he does, he's going to end up being very disappointed.

The Bombshell

My birthday was about 2 weeks ago. It was interesting. Hot Stud showed up at my birthday lunch. I haven't seen him since we had a business lunch in March. To say I was surprised he showed up was an understatement.

One of the other guests was a long-time friend, who I had been romantically-involved briefly, but we are definitely better as friends before things were 'consummated'. But he showed up with a stunning bouquet of flowers, card and gift.

I introduced them to each other as how they could relate to each other professionally... It was odd to be at a table with two men that I've been involved with was, to say the least, odd.

After the party cleared out, Hot Stud and I were still at the table. I wasn't sure what to say. He breaks out his phone and shows me a picture as he says "are you ready for a bombshell?" It's a child. He says this is his daughter.

I didn't say a word.

He goes on to tell me that she is 2 1/2 years old (I'm doing math in my head), that her mother called her when she discovered she was pregnant and told him she was having the baby, that he didn't have to be involved.

Um, okay.

So he's taking care of her a couple days a week. That they are on 'good terms'.

I didn't know what to say. This is someone who has always been adamant about not wanting children. (Rather ironic, eh?)

I am sort of shocked. Two questions go through my head but I had to leave - I had a client appt in a few minutes... Wasn't the time to ask.

The next day, he suggests bringing his daughter by for me to meet. (I am about as far away from having a maternal bone in my body as one can get. I have zero patience for kids. It's great that other people have them, and it makes them happy. It's not me.) I decline.

I'm not really sure I want to meet his kid. He barely has a role in my life - felt like he was showing her off like a puppy or something. This is his child.

(Okay, maybe this goes back to my father's behavior of parading a lot of women/floozies around me as a kid.)

I've had his own birthday present at my home for almost three months - I dropped it off at his home last week. He kept trying to get a little touchy/kissy with me, but I shut it down. That is history with us. I made a comment about one day seeing pictures of him as a kid - he pulled down some old photo albums... Didn't even recognize him in his teens and twenties... And, get this... He was at my senior year Winter formal with another girl! That cracked me up.

I saw something in him that I had never seen before - my college friend at my birthday lunch, the one who brought flowers, Hot Stud seemed really jealous. I didn't say anything one way or the other about my relationship with my college friend.

I was exhausted as was he, so I didn't ask him the two questions that remain unanswered...
Why is he telling me now? (He knew about the kid before she was born. It's not like she showed up on his doorstep last week.)

At the time the child was conceived, supposedly, we were "fluid bonded". Meaning we weren't having unprotected sex with anyone else. (I wasn't having sex with anyone - he claimed it as well, but I never really believed it. So I am the stupid one I guess...) It's pretty hard to knock someone up using protection (of course it can happen, but let's be realistic.)

A friend said she'd be really pissed that he had 'cheated' on me. That's not it. It's the fact that he deliberately lied to me about it. In the past two years, we've had sex maybe 3-4 times (almost a year since our last tryst). Even then he insisted he wasn't sleeping with anyone else... He's a highly sexual person, a beautiful man, and works with many sexy fetish models. I cannot imagine that he hasn't been getting it on with them.

So, yes, I'm pissed about it. I was already emotionally 'over' him. He came into my life for a reason. I'm not sure what role he'll have in the future. I need some explanations and I need to think. Perhaps it's time to move on...

Wait and see

Work is encompassing too much of my life. I know I am off-kilter with priorities in life. But anyone without a job would say work is important. My job is secure and I've been kicking ass since I've back from medical leave. Had my biggest month ever in July, revenue-wise, even taking a week off for recovering from surgery.

Things are in motion for a lot of other opportunities. I was asked to speak at a convention later this year. (I'm asked to speak frequently locally, so it wasn't unusual. I found out a few days ago - who the other speakers are - they are being flown in from all over the country... And little ole me!?!) I've also been asked to be an expert on an online forum. Great exposure. Not sure how I can capitalize on it, but we can still let it evolve.

No one dating-wise. FINALLY having lunch tomorrow with a guy that (by all indicators) seems to flirting with me immensely. I enjoy talking to him - we talk weekends, about personal stuff... (Not too personal...) We'll see how the chemistry is. Phone chemistry and character is one thing. In person - something much different! Sadly, I'm still stuck in flats post-op. Hard to feel scintillating in flats.

I'll just have to wait...

The Fat Chick

Recovery has been very positive according to my doc. I'm surprised at how minimal pain I have most of the time. He said I could start physical therapy in a week and I could try the elliptical after PT.

I'm chomping at the bit to work out. I have gained SO much weight since the car accident. I hate my skinny clothes don't fit anymore. I feel like 'the fat chick' again. My face has lost shape too.

Makes me feel unsexy. Makes me cranky. Makes me very self-conscious.

Birthday coming up -makes it worse. Would love to celebrate with friends but I this whole gain weight thing is looming over me and it's directly tied to my self-esteem.

I know what the friends would say - that I'm still beautiful, that guys like some curves, that I'm still smart, witty, whatever.

But I really don't care what other people say - it's how I feel about myself.

I had a reality check today. I knew I gained weight. A lot of weight. But I had to weigh one of my cats. That meant me weighing myself, then him, and subtracting the difference. I almost cried. So much of the weight I worked my ass off (literally) to lose, is back. And I've been eating 'right'. Exercise is the key for me. So hopefully, very soon, I can get back to hard-core working out to get back to a size that I'm not ashamed of.

Chillin' and Wobblin'

Home from surgery yesterday. Bored out of my ever-loving mind. Doc said it went well - that the cartilage around my hip was 'shredded' and a lot worse than he had expected, but he fixed it. Hurts like a _____. I'm allergic to most pain meds - have me on Dilaudid (sp?). Doesn't really do anything. Ice is my new best friend. Feel stupid maneuvering with the walker.

Donned my bikini and caught some rays this afternoon - might as well get some color rather than letting the sofa grow on me. Took a shower that felt divine washing off all that hospital smell. Investigated my incision marks. Wanted to paint my toes, but I can't bend comfortably to get to them. Read two books. Can't move my leg in a comfortable position to break out the vibrator either. Just me, laptop, tv. Cats want to stand on my hip - not a good thing.

Friends want to visit, but that requires me getting up to get the door and again to let them out. I'd really rather just chill in peace. Hot Stud offered to come over and beat me so that I'd have elevated endorphins to deal with the pain. (sigh - will he ever learn? I just don't say anything when he makes those suggestions.) I planned ahead - have enough food, etc. to take care of things. Maybe I'll feel more social tomorrow?

Going Domme?

Declined three dates this weekend. Have to clean my house, get groceries, and prepare for life as an invalid. I have 'grounded' myself until I get everything done. Not even a Patron shot! :(

Kiss my heels goodbye for the season.
Sigh.
I'm imagining all the shit I'm going to be getting for using a walker after my 2 weeks of bed rest.
(Same car accident messed up my shoulder so I can't use crutches)
I have a customer that is rather "colorful" and he's going to 'pimp' my 'ride'.

I've seriously considered creating a Domme profile online to find some shoe-loving sub men that would love to do my yard. Not sure I can carry it off. I've been told by numerous "dombos" that I am not a sub but a Domme. Idea totally turns me off.

But a nice yard might be interesting motivation.