Thrive

I don't really mark significant dates as 'anniversaries'. My mantra of "Forward Motion" keeps me from focusing on the past.

However, when paying some bills, I realized that it's now been three years since the rape. That led to some reflecting. That event propelled me to the darkest place I'd ever been in my life.

More than two years of very intensive counseling. I took a break after last summer because I had dealt with the trust / emotional issues. Felt it was time to address the sexual stuff. Haven't found a therapist that I've clicked with in the same way - hard to discuss that sort of more sensitive stuff without having some connection.

I still have nightmares from time to time. I have had an anxiety attack and flutters of anxiety when something is said or done that unexpectedly leads to a flashback. I don't feel the need to offer a disclaimer when dating someone - unless the possibility of being intimate is there. I have shared a very abbreviated version of it - and disclosing that I have HPV (although there have been no recurrences since they got lasered off).

Work has had me too busy for a lot of things - much of a social life, exercising, vacations, yard work... I've got to realign my priorities and have some room for life beyond work. And one of those things is getting back into counseling. I need to address these lingering things head-on. I was given a coffee cup - it was meant for someone that had battled breast cancer - but the saying really sums up how I feel about the 'challenge' that the rape has presented to me. I'm don't consider myself a victim. I don't consider myself a survivor. I'm (eventually) going to thrive from this.

A friend shared with me that he's struggling with being open with his feelings about another girl - I told him to be bold. I learned that lesson with "N" - life and love is about taking chances - you must be willing to fail big. Great rewards come from great risk. He too, must be willing to thrive.

Doomed to Fail

I've gone out on dates with one guy 4 or 5 times now. (That's remarkable for me.) He's intelligent, funny, thoughtful and (as far as I can tell) honest. I enjoy spending time with him. There's definitely some chemistry but things are progressing at a respectable pace.

The guy sends me messages during the day to say he's thinking about me. He calls to confirm our plans for the weekend by Tuesday. Sadly, I'm dumbfounded by the behavior.

But I'm not feeling that 'giddy' feeling. That dumbfounds me even more. I think it is because he's on assignment in town for 2 more months. It could be extended but his job is nomadic - he likes it that way.

I guess I'm keeping my emotions in check because I don't see it as going anywhere. I'm not interested in a summer fling. I don't do long-distance relationships. So this is doomed to fail. But then don't most relationships?

Impossibility

Well over a year ago, I briefly dated a guy that I really dug (not like that's the first time I've ever said...) Hit it off - we had some many common people in our lives but had never crossed paths in years.

Unfortunately, after a couple of dates and a lot of intensity, it fizzled. He was going through some personal stuff. I hung around trying to be supportive - I'm a softie when it comes to that. We were friends first and foremost. He confused that concern and support for thinking "friends with benefits".

That was denied. I made it clear that wasn't going to happen. Ever.

We have stayed in touch - emails and phone calls intermittently. Checking to see if he's doing better. He'd make suggestions and booty calls from time to time, and I'd stop those cold. (It wasn't easy because the chemistry was undeniable.) He's confessed that he's got some demons to deal with before picking things up with me - that I deserve better. (Such a cliche!)

I was bored the other day while getting some work done on my car. Exchanged some emails back and forth. He ended up sharing that he still thinks of me a lot and a lot of random moments like kissing in the rain that I was surpised he even remembered. The emails weren't exactly racy but subtly suggestive. I still won't entertain the idea of being Friends with benefits, but we'll see if he's ready to play ball.

Not sure if I'm genuinely interested or if it's just that I'm feeling lonely. Just to have a long passionate kissing session would be divine. But seriously, what man is going to be game just for that? And I know that I'm not interested in something casual - but I'm not emotionally ready for anything non-casual.

So I'm better off stewing.

Intuitive

I'm realizing more and more that I'm not as far along in moving forward as I thought. I have struggled to get out of the depths of hell of depression and beginning to trust some people. I'm over that hurdle.

I was deluded somehow to think that I didn't have to deal with the issues of the rape itself. I got that reality check last spring. I've tried finding a new therapist since the last one I had relocated out of state, but I didn't click with the two I've been referred to.

I haven't made the effort to find someone else. That's something I take accountability for. I blame it on work schedule but this is something important that I have to make time for. When your life consists only of work, personal issues needing attention don't feel like as much of an issue. In a way, I'm burying my head in the sand (of work) and avoiding life.

I'm (unknowingly) creating hurdles that keep me from interacting with people in my life. I think some of it is self-protective because although I'd really like to be involved in a relationship, I'm not ready. Is my unconscious that intuitive?

The Drunk Guy

I was at an evening work function last week that didn't end well. Grand opening for a client. Food and booze was flowing. I was there to make an appearance, to say hi to those I knew, but I was also there to work the room.

There were some people there I encounter from time to time and we're friendly. I don't socialize with them because they act like college freshman - drunk at professional events and making inappropriate comments about/to women. I'm polite and walk away when they start acting up.

I'm not much of a drinker. I have a low tolerance - I don't drink at work events, or when I'm driving, and I don't drink on dates with guys that I don't know well. I like to have a clear mind and don't feel like I'm on my game if I'm drinking. Sometimes I'll hold a glass of wine but not drink it so I don't seem like a tee-totaler.

As the event was wrapping up, I was saying my goodbyes. One of the drunk guys offers to walk me to my car. I thanked him for the offer but I said I could handle it. He kept insisting - saying I would get 'raped' if I didn't have someone escort me out. (This is North Alpharetta, not downtown Atlanta) I thanked him again and told him I was parked right outside under a light, I had pepper spray on me. He kept going on about how I'd be raped if I didn't go along.

I finally had enough. I abruptly said I was leaving and to have a good night.

On the very long drive back home - I was really aware of how I felt - from his pushiness to the drunken joke-like comments about rape. Sober, the guy is okay, but his behavior was inappropriate. I wondered if I was just overly sensitive. I wondered if/when I'm ever going to be able to shrug off that sort of joke. Surely he didn't mean it - I think it was just a drunken gesture of concern for my safety. Still, it stung and made me feel really uncomfortable.

Reminders

I've hardly had time to keep up with laundry, much less blogging lately...

I gave my deposition for the rape case last month. Most of it was non-eventful - the attorney kept focusing on stuff from many years ago and I could not recall details off the top of my head. When he got to the topic of BDSM, he was asking questions that were not phrased correctly within the context of it. Like he kept pushing to ask me to describe my ideal bondage relationship. He was extremely frustrated but I wasn't very experienced in 'the lifestyle' to begin with, plus I quit exploring it so I'm rather out of touch with it. I have been so busy with work that I didn't want to spend a lot of time reflecting on the rape before the deposition. In fact, I rushed over directly from a work event for it. So I wasn't exactly tapped into all the memories and emotions. Since I haven't found a new therapist that I have felt comfortable with to go into the rape itself, I've sort of compartmentalized it - have all that stuff boxed up. I wasn't ready to dust off things and stir up things emotionally. I know that I'll have to do it for the trial...

It wasn't as 'empowering' as it was during the mediation. I was glad to get it over with. My friend showed up for the deposition, but my attorney hadn't shared that he couldn't sit in there with me. I had to be in the same room with Todd (aka the rapist) on my own. My attorney had me positioned so I wouldn't have to look at him at all. I didn't feel any anxiety being in the room with him but my attorney has a supportive presence as well.

However, after the deposition, I drove up to Chateau Elan and had a weekend away by myself. I went on some long runs and walks. Took some great bubble baths. When I was on the golf course running and in the fitness center, men started conversations with me and suggested we meet for a drink. I politely declined. I had a really hard time with nightmares coming back. It's been a long time since that's happened.

Seemingly unrelated, a new person started at my office last week. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I felt really uncomfortable around him. Then last Thursday, the office was fairly quiet. I was following up on some things at my desk. This new guy was making some calls. I froze when I realized what it was - his voice reminds me of Todd's. And he looks somewhat like him. I felt panicky for a while. As I like to phrase it "this is an opportunity for growth". Although I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with it. It's not like I can go up to this poor guy and say "I'm sorry I act sort of distant to you but your voice sends chills down my spine because you remind me of a guy who raped me." I feel myself check out and shut down when I hear him. Fortunately, neither of us spend a lot of time in the office, so it's not something I have to deal with 40 hours a week.

It's the little things like that catch me off guard and leave me off balance. It reminds me once again that I'm not over this.

Focus

I have thrown myself into my new job so completely that I rarely have time to get in the blogging mindset - not to mention, I'm not going to access this site from work... I can just imagine the boss would find it rather...distracting.

I haven't had time to date much. I've encountered some interesting men professionally and there are times when I'm not sure if invitations for getting together are professional, personal or both. Sometimes, I admit, I'm totally clueless when a guy is interested in me.

If there is professional potential - be it a prospective client, someone that would interact in the same circles, I won't consider mixing business with pleasure. I think it's better to be safe than sorry. Last year, I attended a small professional IT event and encountered a man that I had met for coffee two years ago via one of the BDSM websites. He never showed up at the events again. Sure, it could happen and some of the men I have professional relationships, I dig, but I make sure that we keep it professional.

I've been interacting a lot with a guy I met early last month. Our schedules are incredibly incompatible. He used to be in sales and worked crazy hours like I do. But he's been pursuing an acting career now for a couple of years and getting a lot of work. He seems to be busy weekends, and me, I'm booked during the week. Our face time is negligible in comparison to phone time. I don't like that... He suggested attending an event I'm hosting this week to 'network'. I don't want to appear ungrateful, but this event is not going to be productive for him professionally - not the type of decision-makers in the film industry. And I don't want to be distracted with him around.

Does that sound harsh? (I guess in a way, it's flattering - that's how I'll spin it with him - I won't be able to focus on my game.)

It's not you, really!

I still pop in on some of 'the websites' once a month or so - not looking for prospects - I've abandoned that. I interact with some people that I've 'met' (online) that I enjoy interacting with. They, for the most part, are not local, however, we've never progressed to exchanging actual email addresses.

A few days ago, I went online and had an email from a guy that wanted to know if I'd like to meet.

I haven't even looked at my profile, but I think that I said I was done with the looking for potential mates there. I replied that I was flattered by the offer, but I wasn't looking.

He took it so personally, I always try to be polite, but perhaps I should just delete the emails...

Other crap going on that I find annoying and amusing but I'll leave it at that. I'm looking forward to going on a run with a friend after work today. I need to get back into the zone.

State of Mind

I'm alive. Nothing much to write about. Life revolves around work. I am beginning to feel off-balanced.

Not a good thing. I need to spend some time with friends. I need to get back to working out like a fiend. I need to clean my house. I need to exhale.

What's horrible is that my current state of mind - those things seem like chores rather than gifts.

I definitely need an attitude adjustment. I received a gift of a long weekend at a nice resort that expires shortly - it actually expired last year but they gave me a 3 month extension. And that extension is almost up. Girl needs to let her hair down and shake things up.

Mellow Pace

As the new year approaches (in 10 hours), I'm re-evaluating what is and isn't working in my life. A couple of 'friends' in my life aren't working. The relationships have been extremely one-sided. It gets old. I told one not to bother with the b.s. anymore that I was done - but I said it nicely. Suddenly he claims he's going to change his stripes. I told him that was nice and all but too little too late. No hard feelings - I just have a higher standard and expectation of those I consider my friends. I don't have any room in my life for superficial relationships. Either you're in or you're not.

I also made a difficult decision about someone else in my life. We used to be intimate but I deliberately avoided contact quite a while back because I wanted more that just fooling around. So he's been a great friend - and I'm so grateful for that. Lately, he's been suggesting we hook up again. I just cannot do it. The feelings (on my end) would get too complicated. I find him (literally) the sexiest man I've ever known and it's really hard to decline or dodge his invitations. I've wanted to be upfront with him - in person - I hate doing that sort of stuff over the phone or via email.

I tried doing the purely physical stuff for about 2 months when I 'took the plunge' and it just didn't work for me - be it a 'vanilla' relationship or more spicy - it's just 'going through the motions' otherwise. This girl needs to have that emotional connection and that level of trust and intimacy that just can't be there (for me) in something casual. I have concerns that it will make our friendship awkward, but I can't keep this on my chest any more. I wish things were different, but they are what they are. He wants something I'm unable to give. And vice versa. As much as I can't change my position on this, I can't expect him to either. We have to focus on the friendship and leave it at that.

It's all good

New job has me working 12-14 hour days. I'm enjoying it, so time flies. There are a lot of expectations on me for performance, and so far, I've been surpassing them. Granted, my house is a disaster, I don't have time for anything but work and sleep. But, when you're passionate about something, it's all good.

Struggling with a Friendship

I have a 'friendship' that I struggle with at times. He came into my life at the lowest possible point and has become a very important person to me. There are countless mentions on here about how he continually reminds me how I should insist on being treated by a man - from the simple act of opening doors, to

His strength is balanced by an incredible sensitivity. It has always had me in awe. It's been quite hard to keep my feelings in check. If I could create my ideal man - it would be him - completely - except one thing.

There's always that one thing, right?

He's not into exclusivity. We actually haven't discussed it since we first dated - although he hasn't outright discussed it in a while, it's fairly clear. I appreciated his candor - we tried it but apparently I wasn't enough or at the right place for him. (Understood because I was a total train wreck at that time.)

I find when I date other men, I end up disappointed. I compare them all to him and they fall short. I will not let myself get involved with him physically because I know that I'll end up hurt. (Not that I don't find him utterly scorching hot.) I've never been able to wholly enjoy physical intimacy without that deeper connection. Feelings that I've been working hard at keeping in check would end up messy. For several years, I've realized that I need the whole enchilada - not just sex but a balanced exclusive relationship - I just can't do the casual sex thing. It leaves me feeling completely unfulfilled. Recently, this guy has been alluding to us getting together - he seemed to think I went to New Orleans for a 'hook up' when I said I needed to get away.

As much as I'd love to go down that road with him - I know that it would end up in heartbreak. And I don't want to do anything to jeopardize my friendship with him. Sure, I could tell him how I could feel toward him, but I think that would make things very awkward. I figure if he has a change of heart, that he'll talk to me. Then again, maybe it's just that he could be with someone else, just not me. I'm not afraid of rejection - that's not it - I can deal with it - and in a way - there are days when I feel like it's a continual rejection from him. I just don't want to imagine life without his friendship. So, I just squash those feelings when they start to gurgle up again.

However, as sure as I am that I cannot be content in a non-exclusive/monogamous relationship, I'm sure that he cannot be content in an exclusive relationship. It's like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. I choose friendship and trying to find someone else that can at least marginally fill his shoes.

D/s Lite

My Thanksgiving holiday weekend revealed a lot. Last minute, I was invited to spend it in New Orleans to visit an old friend. In need of a quick getaway, who can resist that city?

I spent a lot of time relaxing, window-shopping around the Quarter, taking daily runs and exploring the cemeteries, walking around some of the gorgeous neighborhoods that haven't recovered from Katrina.

My friend is a male and a Dom but I went to visit purely as a friend. I have a number of people in my life that match those categories. Another male friend made a comment earlier today that insinuated that there was some 'action' going on. I laughed. He and I could not be more incompatible in that department - I would be like a Muzak version of Neil Diamond and he'd be a very angry death metal. Even the thought of hooking up with him makes me laugh. He's my friend - I absolutely adore him and treasure our friendship. But just because he has a penis doesn't mean that there's sex involved, you know?

I realized during the weekend that I feel completely out of touch with that world. Talking about that stuff and viewing his paraphernalia was so uninspiring to me. I wonder how much of that has to do with the fact I was not 'into' the person, or if I'd still feel that way with someone else. It's been well over 2 1/2 years since I've even participated in anything that would come close to kinky activities. (Well, this is the Bible Belt...)

Even when I was in the pinnacle of my exploration into D/s, I would have never used the word "submissive" in the top 25 words to describe myself. However, with many of the Doms that I know, I would guess it would be in the top 3. Maybe that says a lot, maybe it doesn't. To me, it seems that a lot of people that genuinely embrace it, it overtakes so many other areas of their lives. (Not judging, just noting my own observations.) It goes so far as to influence their home decorating decisions. For me, it was never something that pervasive. Then again, I also don't care about people advertising their sexuality publicly. I don't care who/what you boink, as long as it's legal and consensual. I guess I was never more than D/s lite.

Southern vs Submissive

Funny discussion came about yesterday. A friend came over to help me with some serious yard work involving a chain saw. Incidentally, he is someone who identifies himself as a "Dom" but we are just very good friends.

I was helping pick up big branches and bundling them while he was up in the tree cutting them up. I'd fetch him water and asked if he wanted me to order some dinner since he was working so hard.

He identified this as 'submissive behavior'. I define it as 'Southern Hospitality' - I think any properly-raised host that has a guest that is spending his downtime to help out should be treated exceptionally well. Be it a Dom or any other person visiting my home, I'm making sure their glass is full and that they are comfortable.

Some men confused this with me actually 'submitting' to them. I found it amusing - I was always quite clear that my own philosophy toward submission was that it was earned in degrees. Regardless, I'm a very nurturing person - for people that I care about, I will go to the ends of the earth for them. But it is earned. And it is reciprocal.

So does that mean that Scarlett O'Hara, the epitome of a Southern woman to most people, was she submissive or was she just a well-raised Southern woman?